I still see suicide as the worst possible scenario, but now it is one that I pull back from, it is the line I choose not to cross. I use it as a tool to gain perspective and courage to do things that may have been considered too radical or severe, but compared to suicide, they become viable options. I have moved towns many times, changed entire sets of friends just as many times. I have sold or given away EVERYTHING, or near everything and walked away, started fresh and felt liberated.
My issues and lessons follow me, but I see them with fresh eyes, and that gives me a chance to learn from them and move on. If I can learn from a horrible experience, then I can detach my emotions from it and I don’t feel like it was a complete tragedy if I have grown stronger from the experience.
My friend killed herself, some who loved her went nuts others switched their feelings off and never loved again, I grew strong and learned to overcome the pain by focusing on the lessons within each experience. Even though she is gone now, I’m so glad she was in my life even if that means experiencing that pain. My life is richer for it!

Life still has pain and suffering and things I can’t control, but I’ve come to realize that is a natural part of life. I have turned to philosophy, Taoism, Zen Buddhism, Wabi Sabi, Fur Yu, even finding much wisdom in Sci-fi, modern and classic literature.
In my experience there is wisdom everywhere.
For instance something i like to do regularly is: Ask a question, put it out there, let it go into the world around me and go about my day as normal, open myself up to the answer and it will find me, it will come often from the most unlikely places or chance encounters.

This has helped shape the way I see the world/universe around me, as a living breathing quite possibly sentient interconnected thing. I feel always supported and provided for, I feel connected to something bigger than me, something good, so I can let go of that feeling of terror and just float down stream, enjoying the ride.

Walt Disney said “Keep moving forwards.”

Abraham Hicks said “Everything you want is downstream, you don’t ever have to struggle against the current, just relax and let your boat flow down stream”

Fur Yu means “Wind and Stream”
Wabi Sabi is about ‘the effect time has on things’. And the ‘beauty of imperfection’.
Taoism Means “The Way.” it is ancient Chinese poetry describing observations of the natural laws of the universe.

I found all of these things very soothing and uplifting. I hope you find your way.

The terror of being stalked and the probably even worse trauma of the authorities not caring a fig (and, worse, their mind-bending excuses and lies for not doing anything and trying their darndest to ‘make me go away’) was beyond shocking and overwhelming.

I stopped self harming as I began to think about the phenomenon more rationally. I worked out that essentially both the offender and the authorities were working to damage me in their own ways and that the ONLY way I could feel some control in the total mess they’d made of my life was to do the damage myself.

Then I gradually decided that I had to find other ways of wresting back control and stopped harming. I still don’t have the normal, healthy measure of control of my life because the offending continues and the police and other authorities are factually, evidentially negligent still (I’ve already won a legal case for negligence and abuse against one statutory authority). But I feel a bit better because I’ve decided that I’ll probably utilise the ultimate self-control one of these days.

No one can live even half-way healthily when one is under attack and being ‘gaslighted’ by those who have a duty of care.

My take on self-harm now is that behind every case is a hidden history of disgusting psychological and physical abuse. The professionals definitely don’t help either as they generally just cannot grasp that other ‘reputable’ authorities and their own colleagues can perpetrate such horrors on vulnerable patients/clients/service users. The blame is forced onto the poor self-harmer as if she or he exists in a vacuum where the self-harm somehow magically appears from nowhere but the individual’s mind. Total nonsense of course, but this really IS the way professionals and ‘helping’ agencies ego-defend themselves.

Thus, as far as I see it, self-harm is probably entirely the outward and visible sign of the deeply dark side of human beings and their often appalling covert aggression towards more vulnerable and disadvantaged others.

c.f. RD Laing: ‘If the patient is disturbed then the family is disturbing.’

So glad you found other ways to soothe yourself!

I felt emotionally out of control – cutting made me feel calm.

I wonder if cutting releases something that causes a calming sensation?

I only cut in places that could be fully covered and unseen by anyone.

A story that describes reasons similar to yours is included in the book “the boy who was raised as a dog” by Bruce Perry and Maia Szalavitz. A lot of detail is given about why cutting could have that effect. You might be interested in it.