This morning I woke up feeling I could function and started doing things. But as I moved through doing things, I started to see more things that needed to get done and could not halt that cascade.

I got anxious. Then about four hours into my morning I felt this overwhelming feeling of — I cannot explain it but it was almost palpable, it was a feeling of anguish, and some sort of emotional pain that I wanted to escape.

It just took over me before I even started to think about it. The anguish and the low came rushing in out of NO WHERE.

Then came the thought of suicide. It happened by itself (no ruminating) and just took over.

However, I sat there and was aware that the feeling came on strong and fast (30 minutes) and talked myself into believing that it will pass so just hold on.

But it was an intense drop and I definitely felt something. But it was not a headache, joint pain, stomach ache… nothing like that. I don’t even get those pains like is described in the so-called symptoms of depression. It was a pain I wanted to escape very badly though. It was in my head/brain/mind, whatever term works for you.

So I looked up the idea of depression being FELT as physical.

That is what I felt. But as for the causes of it, who knows? It could be a practiced (well traveled) neurological pathway as a result of how I have tried and tried and failed at life for so long. Please no violins, this is ONLY an observation not a sympathy call. I am not into that.

Oddly enough though, the feedback I get from others is that I am always so “level-headed” and they come to me for “advice” about their problems. So while my perspective seems to be widely accepted and sought by persons who are able to function at a high level, I feel that I cannot function. Others seem to believe that but I am not functioning to the level I have proven I can and different times in my life.

I cannot put one foot in front of the other and think at the same time. I think I may have executive function and working memory issues and maybe ADHD. But I wonder if what is labeled ADHD is really executive dysfunction?

Anyway that MAY be the cause of the depression which then caused a physical outlay of screwed up neurological circuitry.

Meaning, I think I have a processing problem, it led to a dysfunctional life in spite of my many efforts (my college professors always told me the one they can say is that I have “perseverance.” That is funny. I have nothing else but I have “perseverance.” So outside observers support what I say about trying very hard. This is a realistic observation in other words – it’s an objective not subjective observation ). This then led to a lot of failures.

Due to my life experiences and aside from whether depression is physical or not, I keep running to both sides of the court about this saying, ‘what does not kill you makes you stronger.’ That has got to be the biggest bunch of self-therapy. self rationalizing bull—- or cognitive dissonance that could ever be.

I hope someone figures it out because I really want to put my college degrees to use and pay taxes (er, do something I like and is worthwhile to society).

I have few friends and have always had a turbulent home and social life. I was abused when I was younger for several years and I have little positive stimulation in my life due to my guarded nature and constant state of fear do to my habits. I have dreams of being someone who I currently am not on the track to being and I have incredibly high expectations and I am not doing enough with myself. I am not completely opposed to drugs but I believe that drugs are only a medium to get you to a state of mind that cures you yourself. Whether you need drugs to get to that state or not, the drugs should always only be looked at as a medium and not a cure, other than special cases. But even said if some medication can 100% heal people with certain neuron-transmitting issues, why is there no specific way of diagnosing people who have that specific problem, fixing it, and saying that people with certain roots of depression can be cured? To me it all screams bullshit. It is just like cancer, billions of dollars donated and given to cancer research, yet years later, no cure, no advancements, same way of treating it nothing accomplished. I have a link of a Suzanne Summer’s interview, where 6 doctors diagnose her with cancer when she actually never had it in the first place and she probably would have died if she believed them.

And to Julie, your comment is kind of laughable. It is actually a law that says only drugs can cure any sickness, and if you state that anything other than a pharmacy drug cures something you can go to jail. what kind of honest company says that only drugs can cure a sickness and if you say anything else can work other than what they sell, than you can go to jail even if it completely works and there are facts that back it up? That would be a fraudulent one. Also it’s a fact that things other that drugs can cure things since new cures are being discovered all the time due to new technological advances. So if you figure out a cure before the FDA then you’re a criminal because you beat them to it? what a bunch of bull, that itself shows that obviously the FDA is a shady business.

To Katya, thank you for dumbing things down for Julie since obviously what everyone was stating was how the FDA is misleading and inflating everyone’s perspective to make money. They may not be lying but they of course use advertising to bloat the effects of medication for a disease that is not even curable. If it is not curable then don’t make stupid advertisements about how your products work when it is a fact that nothing completely works.

“Incidentally, you make a lot of pseudo-philo-intello-wanking arguments in your diatribe, yet you don’t cite a single scientific source.”

The serotonin theory has been discarded by almost all credible scientists. This is not a conspiracy theory- it’s the result of rational thinking. The pharmaceutical companies aren’t necessarily making anything up- they’re misleading and simplifying. In other words, they’re profiting from other peoples ignorance (read: your ignorance). In fact, their advertisements have come under heavy scrutiny by consumer right groups. Why? Their outlandish claims are unsupported by science.

Studies done by groups with no attachment to pharmaceuticals are considered ethical and objective. Studies untainted by profit show that bio-bio-bio theory of mental illness is false. It is also damaging to a notable percentage of people.

Even considering the history of the SSRI, it is hilarious you think it has any foundation in ethical science or medicine. Even George Ashcroft, the man who hypothesized that depression was caused by deficits of serotonin, abandoned the theory. Why can’t you?

“… it turns out that there is currently no scientific consensus that depression is linked to serotonin deficiency or that SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) restore the brain’s normal ‘balance’ of this neurotransmitter. The idea that depression is due to deficits of serotonin was first proposed by George Ashcroft in the 1950s, when he thought he detected low levels in the brains of suicide victims and in the spinal fluid of depressed patients. Later studies, however, performed with more sensitive equipment and measures, showed no lower levels of serotonin in these populations. By 1970 Ashcroft had publicly given up on the serotonin-depression connections. To date, no lower levels of serotonin or ‘imbalance’ of the neurotransmitter have been demonstrated in depressed patients. The American Psychiatric Press Textbook of Clinical Psychiatry states simply, ‘Additional experience has not confirmed the monamine (of which serotonin is a subgroup) depletion hypothesis.’” – from Crazy Like Us by Ethan Watters

Dear delusional individual: Do big pharma companies make loads of cash making these medications that treats these very real biological illnesses (be they neurological like depression or otherwise)? Yes. Does that mean that they are “making up illnesses”. OF course not.

Yours is like saying Subway restaurants makes loads of money selling fast food therefore that chain must be responsible for people eating food.

I tend to doubt the sanity of someone who believe in some big conspiracy theory that would involve nearly all of the mainstream scientific research, the whole field of neurology, all psychiatrists etc etc..Seriously, I don’t believe so.

Incidentally, you make a lot of pseudo-philo-intello-wanking arguments in your diatribe, yet you don’t cite a single scientific source.

And now I wonder if your conspirationist delusional thoughts couldn’t be caused by a severe delusional mental illness:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200501/conspiracy-theories-explained

Please get the psychiatric help you need. Good luck.

I DID immediately (within 36 hours, possibly less) notice a MAJOR difference in my MOOD (EMOTION, NOT necessarily “thinking”, though I did notice that my thoughts were more positive, BECAUSE I FELT much better, mostly my thoughts were, “Wow, I feel much better! I FEEL like I am enjoying life.”) upon beginning a moderate SRRI regimen. So, the idea that SRRIs affect cognition and not emotion are patently false, in my experience. It is the EMOTION that leads to my more positive thinking, simply because I feel better, more joy in simply being alive.
Further, it takes about 12 hours or so AFTER I take my SSRI before I notice that my mood is markedly improved, there is a peak to it that is directly correlated to when I took my dose. So, increased seretonin levels DO EQUATE with an increased feeling of well-being, and do so predictably in a matter of hours after I take them. My cognition has not varied all that much yet, other than that I notice when I feel better and am more hopeful at those times, which is directly related to when the SRRI’s effect is at its peak. Cognition is not affecting my mood, it is the seretonin that is affecting my mood. I am generally very in tune with my feelings and am quite sure of my statements. I’ve only been on SRRI for less than a week!